On trans issues

This blog post has no disclaimer.
1/ Recently I’ve noticed that the word “transphobic” is used very regularly, almost everywhere and for almost everything, perhaps nearly to the point of losing all meaning. 
Examples of transphobia can be bullying, abusing, or mocking transgender people; using violence against transgender people; denying jobs, housing, or healthcare to transgender people; dismissing feelings of gender dysphoria, etc. 
However: 
Discussing transitioning and detransitioning is not transphobic. 
Questioning gender ideology is not transphobic. 
Having a debate about trans athletes in women’s sports, or even disapproving of trans athletes competing in women’s sports, is not transphobic. 
Talking about the differences between trans women and cis women, or between trans men and cis men, is not transphobic. 
Not dating trans people is not transphobic.  
In a free society, people have the right to question things, to have a conversation, to have a debate. The word “transphobic” is too often thrown out carelessly, to shut up others and end a conversation, like some other words such as “sexist”, “misogynistic”, “mansplaining”, “racist”...—and like them, “transphobic” starts losing its meaning and is taken less seriously. 

2/ A short while ago, a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships revealed that 87.5% of participants would only date cisgender people and excluded transgender people. 
The result is to be expected. What is telling is that the author of the study, Karen L. Blair, decided to write a commentary on her blog about it, and wrote: 

“What then, does this mean for trans people’s overall well-being if the majority of people within society won’t even consider them as potential dating partners under hypothetical conditions? A lack of social support could contribute to some of the existing discrepancies in mental and physical well-being within trans communities.” 

Not dating transgender people is seen as a lack of social support.  
Did she ask the participants what their reasons were? No. Instead: 

“... the authors speculated that exclusion was likely the result of factors ranging from explicit transprejudice, such as viewing trans persons as unfit, mentally ill, or subhuman, to a lack of understanding or knowledge about what it means to be a transgender man or woman, and therefore, what it would mean to date a trans person.” 

It didn’t seem to dawn on her to consider the thought that maybe those participants were just not attracted to transgender people. 
Then in the conclusion, she wrote: 

“Ultimately, each individual has the freedom to decide whom they date or are interested in dating, and thus the article does not suggest that any single individual must include trans people within their dating pool. However, the article does suggest that examining and following the overall societal patterns of including or excluding trans people within the intimate realm of dating can be used as an indicator of overall acceptance and social inclusion of trans people. In other words, it is one thing to make space for trans people within our workplaces, schools, washrooms, and public spaces, but it is another to see them included within our families and most intimate of spaces, our romantic relationships. We won’t be able to say, as a society, that we are accepting of trans citizens until they are also included within our prospective dating pools; at the very least, on a hypothetical basis.” 

(my emphasis) 
In short, she’s suggesting that toleration doesn’t only mean respecting trans people’s human rights and treating them equally and respectfully, but toleration also includes dating and having sex with them. 
The entire blog post can be read here: http://www.cambridgeblog.org/2019/06/who-will-date-a-trans-person/ 
She’s not the only one who has such opinions. I’ve come across other articles, such as this: 
https://www.them.us/story/cis-trans-dating?fbclid=IwAR0TKBvrjhhU4mct-ICJi88Bqa6gt7EXzvCqiY2OxWWEevkkn2EZVZEyxt8# 
Or videos like this: 
https://youtu.be/2X-PgHSZh6U 
The speaker, a transgender person, argues that not dating trans people is discriminatory and hurtful. 
Someone may ask me, is it racist not to date Asian women? Well it is if it’s because you think Asians are inferior to white people or Asians are stupid/ dirty, etc., but if you’re just not attracted to Asian features, no, that’s not racist, and I don’t care. 

3/ Relating to the subject above is the concept of “cotton ceiling”, a term in the trans community which refers to the barriers trans women face when denied access to sex with lesbians. Have a look: 
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/12/22/shallow-creepy-fetishist-of-vaginae/
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/07/31/people-arent-thinking-deeply-enough-about-their-sexuality-more-cotton-ceiling-from-transactivists/
https://transgenderreality.com/2015/11/20/its-a-girls-dick/ 
Google “Get the L out”, you can find lots of articles about conflicts between lesbian activists and trans activists, and the movement to get the L out of LGBT. Here is an example: 
https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/feminism/2018/07/why-were-lesbians-protesting-pride-because-lgbt-coalition-leaves-women 
As I read about conflicts between the trans community and other parts of the LBGT community, I noticed an interesting pattern: trans men don’t seem to say much, whereas some trans women are very loud and have been attacking cis straight men and lesbians for not wanting to sleep with them—cis straight men are called “insecure”, “confused”, “afraid of being labelled gay”, “suffering from toxic masculinity”, whereas lesbians are derided as transphobes and “vagina fetishists”. 
This is not to say that all trans people are the same, nor that all trans activists are toxic. However, such people exist in the trans community. It is harmful and dangerous to suggest that it’s transphobic not to date trans people, or to argue that trans people are exactly the same as cis people. 

4/ A few years ago, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie sparked an outrage when she said that trans women were different from cis women. 
In fact, screaming “transphobic!” is an automatic response whenever someone says that trans women and cis women are not the same. Trans people shouldn’t be seen as less human, and I understand that it’s hurtful to say that trans women are not true women, but it is silly and delusional to suggest that there are no differences whatsoever between trans women and cis women, either in biology or in experience, especially if a trans woman transitioned after puberty.     
The argument that “trans women are real women” and “people are whatever gender they identify as” is problematic and wrong in the case of lesbians, because lesbians should not be harassed into having sex with trans women, nor abused for not doing so. 
It is a greater issue when we talk about trans athletes in women’s sports.

5/ Let’s look at the debate on trans athletes in women’s sports. 
https://www.wired.com/story/the-glorious-victories-of-trans-athletes-are-shaking-up-sports/
https://nationalfile.com/womens-sports-are-being-dominated-by-trans-athletes/?fbclid=IwAR3FGq03X4eJ6Qo2EkDr0DszbN0Evxt_EHkXZVT7-_mqwiSykKg1jlL4n2M
https://nypost.com/2019/10/13/justice-for-trans-athletes-is-unfair-to-girls-like-my-daughter/ 
If you believe that trans athletes should have the right to compete and it would be unjust otherwise, how do you make it fair when trans athletes who transitioned after puberty have an unfair physical advantage? Getting hormones might have an effect on their performance, but doesn’t change their muscle mass and bone structure.  
There are people who, in response to the debate, say that the gender binary in sports should be dispensed with, and men and women should compete together—such statements are not worth examining. 

6/ The media, when discussing trans issues, tend to talk about gender dysphoria and trans people’s suicide rates. They don’t talk about the actual process of transitioning and its effects on physical and mental health. Nor do they touch on the subject of detransitioning. 
These subjects are important, because there are things to consider if you’re thinking about transitioning. More importantly, they are part of the debate if you ask, at what age should children be allowed to transition? On the 1 hand, certain characteristics can no longer change after puberty. On the other hand, when do you actually know that a child is not happy with their gender and transitioning would be the answer? What if the problem lies elsewhere? What if the child is mistaken? What if they change their mind a few years later? 
In times of confusion, the online trans community can be dangerous, because their “diagnosis” of someone as transgender can often be based on meaningless stereotypes. 
https://transgenderreality.com/2017/09/29/non-conformity-to-gender-roles-as-red-flags/
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/09/30/wearing-the-most-comfortable-sandals-ever-more-stereotypes-about-men-and-women/
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/06/14/feeling-pretty-and-delicate-that-is-clearly-female-behavioral-traits-right/
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/05/19/have-you-ever-identified-more-with-female-characters-than-male-ones/
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/05/10/the-dangers-of-stereotypes/
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/03/02/like-to-wear-comfortable-clothes-dislike-sexism-change-your-sex/ 
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/01/20/really-what-little-boy-wants-to-be-the-girl-lion/ 
https://transgenderreality.com/2015/12/11/i-wasnt-like-other-girls-i-liked-pokemon-i-liked-dragonball-z/
For the record, I’ve never liked pink, and as a kid, I had guns as well as dolls, and most of my stuff were blue. The idea that there are girl stuff and boy stuff is absolutely ridiculous, and it is a lot worse to claim that if a girl likes boy stuff, she must wish to be a boy, and vice versa. 
It is a pity that there was a time people said that men and women were the same, and girls could be whatever they wanted to be—astronauts, engineers, doctors, etc. but now liking something is seen as a boy thing or a girl thing. When, for example, a person who identifies as genderfluid, says that they sometimes feel like a guy and sometimes feel like a girl, I don’t know what they mean. What does it mean, really, to feel like a guy or a girl? If liking girl things is equal to feeling like a girl, isn’t that reinforcing gender stereotypes? 
The online trans community can sometimes cause harm in the way they give advice and persuade young people to believe they are transgender and should go for transitioning. 
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/03/15/lie-to-them-to-get-hrt-give-them-the-good-old-narrative/
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/08/04/questioning-teens-and-social-contagion/
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/07/30/do-you-feel-uncomfortable-with-yourself-in-some-way/
https://transgenderreality.com/2016/05/13/i-hide-my-meds-in-my-saxophone-case-self-medding-advice-to-minors/
This, again, doesn’t mean that all trans activists are the same, but these people exist in the online trans community, and this is something, I think, parents should be aware of. 

7/ In conclusion, trans issues, like everything else, are not black and white. Nuance is important. Facts are important. It is harmful to shut down a debate and dismiss everything as transphobic. 
Trans issues are not simple, and if you say that people not only can identify as whatever gender they wish but must also be recognised as that gender and have all of its rights, that can, very often, come at the expense of someone else.