Friday, 26 June 2015

Poised penis

"'I'm going to have you now,' I declare, and I lift her so that my erection is poised beneath her."
Did I get your attention? 

Thank you all for your presence. We gather here today to mourn for all the trees that have been unfairly and unjustly sacrificed for the publication of the 50 Shades trilogy, and now of the new book, Grey
Let us have a moment of silence. 


Let me paste that line again, in all of its glory:
"'I'm going to have you now,' I declare, and I lift her so that my erection is poised beneath her."
Look at it. Marvel at it. 
Another line from Grey
"I like my women in skirts. I like them accessible." 
Not really, Christian, you've got the underwear blocking the way.
"She has a fresh, wholesome fragrance that reminds me of my grandfather’s apple orchard." 
Isn't that erotic? Grandfather's apple orchard is so hot. 
"My body’s reaction is irritating. Maybe this will stop if I fetter, fuck and flog her … and not necessarily in that order. Yeah. That’s what I need."
Alas, alliteration! More alliteration. Astounding. 
"Her eyes widen. They really are beautiful, the colour of the ocean at Cabo, the bluest of blue seas. I should take her there." 
"Her pupils dilate and I know I could fall into her gaze and never return." 
E. L. James can write, because she can compare, you know. 
"She has a small, sweet face that is blushing now, an innocent rose. I wonder briefly if all her skin is like that – flawless – and what it would look like all pink and warmed from the bite of a cane." 
Ana is so innocent that she tastes of innocence, whatever that tastes like. 
"She tastes luscious. Wine, grapes and innocence – a potent, heady mix of flavours." 
Oh look at that. "Luscious". E. L. James can write a fancy word too. Such a great talent. 
"Who would have thought that under that shy exterior she has the soul of a siren?" 
Now who can say Ana's 1-dimensional. It might help to google siren
You know what, Christian is complex too: 
"My body responds on a primal level – at war with the darkness." 
Such a burden you carry there, Christian. 
"She's oil on my troubled, deep, dark waters." 
Mental image: oil on water, oil on water. 
What does Christian Grey read, one wonders. Besides Thomas Hardy: 
"Picking up my latest read, I settle on the sofa. It's a book by two renowned economists who examine why the poor think and behave the way they do."
So deep. Please tell me more. Which economists?
"Bringing affordable first world technology to the third world is something I’m determined to do." 
Isn't that lovely? Genius (CEO in his 20s), billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. What does that sound like? Iron Man without his suit
So what does a playboy think of? 
"As she fumbles and grows more and more flustered, it occurs to me that I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop. Adeptly used, it can bring even the most skittish to heel." 
"'Where would be convenient for you?'
'In my room. Just you, me, and the cable ties.'" 
Canes, riding crops, cable ties. 
Ginger root, belts, straps: 
"An image of her shackled to my bench, peeled gingerroot inserted into her ass so she can't clench her buttocks, comes to mind, followed by a judicious use of a belt or strap. Yeah... That would teach her not to so irresponsible." 
Talk about gross. 
Why do we need a 50 Shades book from Christian Grey's point of view? Because he's so deep and complex, that's why. I mean, what he says to himself.
"As she tells me she likes her tea weak and black, for a moment I think she’s describing what she likes in a man." 
She likes a man to be weak and black. Yeah, right. 
The guy's apparently also turned on by her eating: 
"She takes a bite, then another…and another. She’s eating!" 
Now that's a literary gem. 
His train of thought is always beyond my comprehension: 
"She’s probably never had an orgasm - though I find this hard to believe. Whoa. I’m responsible for her first fuck and her first orgasm. I’d better make this good.
'Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that.' I’m going to make you come like a freight train, baby." 
Googled freight train. No, I can't imagine it. What does coming like a freight train mean?
But then somebody was nice enough to add an illustration: 

That must be it. 
If Ana talks to her inner goddess and her subconscious, Christian apparently has conversations with his sex (is that what Ana calls his penis?): 
"I have never slept with a woman. I've fucked many, but to wake up beside an alluring young woman is a new and stimulating experience. My cock agrees." 
"And there she is: disarming once more, surprising me at every turn. My cock concurs." 
"She looks radiant. My cock agrees and stiffens in greeting." 
"Miss Steele is a carnal creature. She will be a joy to train. My cock twitches in agreement." 
Such a harmonious relationship. Probably more than that between Christian and Anastasia:
"A tad overdramatic, Miss Steele. You could’ve said no." 
He says that even though at some point: 
"Maybe I should pay her a visit, just to make sure it’s a “no.” Maybe I could persuade her otherwise. […] I don’t believe this. She needs to look me in the eye and say no." 
He doesn't understand what's the big deal: 
"'You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond gadgetry you’re developing for the highest bidder.' 
Woah! Now she’s pissed? Why?"
He's puzzled because girls like being stalked. Like, well, Bella Swan. 
All right, that's it. I'll stop here before I die from laughing and crying at the same time. 
Obviously there are certain things in the world I can never understand... 


Just to be clear, I didn't buy the book. I didn't read it, either. The quotes above can easily be found when you google "worst lines from Grey". 


  1. I see his cock is a character the way her subconscious/inner goddess is. He must have a split personality. No wonder they suit each other so well.
    I'm thinking of popping down to the bookstore and browsing a bit when I have the time. Just to get the funny quotes. Though if I read another description of an orgasm I'll scream. 50 Shades has put me off sex forever. And flirty greetings. If I hear another flirty greeting it will remind me of the corny stuff Christian Grey says.

  2. I read bits of Grey today. A total bore. I didn't even crack up the way I did for 50 Shades mainly because there was no Inner Goddess or Subconscious. The cock is a less prominent character than the IG and subconscious. The thing moves, but it doesn't have a full fledged personality and it's not personified like the IG with the pompoms. Of course it was not remotely erotic. Can't imagine why the thing sold like hot cakes - no, faster than hot cakes. After reading it I thought oh dear how boring sex sounds.

  3. More than a million copies in 4 days!
    To be honest I didn't expect those books to be that bad, and that ignorant. Thought they probably were just mediocre, but they're a lot worse.