I am a sick girl... I am a wicked girl. An unattractive girl.
No, enough of allusion. Let's be serious. Today is
the 1st day of my go-without-phone experiment. After a few unhappy, upsetting
things that happened lately, I've decided to do it, and why not? I can survive
without fb, and a few times had no problem living without my TV, then why not
go without my phone?
It's not a political, philosophical statement. My
decision is entirely personal. It might have something to do with my determination
not to switch to a smartphone, then my noticing that my classmates, whilst
waiting for classes to start, stand staring at their phones instead of talking
to each other, and perhaps, with the film "Her", but I'm not going to
write an essay on how technology corrupts us and changes us and destroys
relationships and makes people further from each other. After all, what can one
do? Being on and off, on and off fb teaches me 2 lessons, that fb isn't life
and the people I talk to whilst my account's being deactivated are my friends,
and at the same time, that an aspect of my life is on fb with my activities and
another circle of friends that can't be found elsewhere, and despite the
distance, in some sense they're as real as my offline friends. I'm contradicting
myself, aren't I? But that's how it is, the world on fb is one I don't want to
engulf me or to consist too large a part of my life and my reality, but one to
which I don't want to say farewell, because the virtual world is not the real
world but the emotions in it are just as real, and my leaving fb once in a
while is not much different from running away from reality.
I see, I'm confusing you more.
Maybe my decision's more impulsive, more emotional
than that. I may be self-destructive, but the best thing one can do whilst
going through a trust crisis is to go underground and stay away from people,
because no matter how many times I've told myself not to expect anything from
anybody, deep down inside I always expect something, and ultimately always get
disillusioned and disappointed. And everything falls apart, my hope is
destroyed, and all the little faith newly gained gets lost again. But then I'm
not writing from underground. I'm not in a cave, a basement, or anything of the
same sort. I'm not even a true introvert. An ambivert, to be exact, an ambivert
tilting towards the introversion pole. I still talk and still need company and
still like sharing things with people and still need to be listened to. I still
wait for replies and hate being ignored, neglected, forgotten. Albeit not
interested in parties, pubs, large noisy groups, I need a small circle of
friends as much as one needs air. See, it just began nearly 4 hours ago (6pm,
12/3) but now I already start wondering if anything came without my knowledge
during those 4 hours. I probably won't last long, perhaps will give up in a
couple of days, or even tomorrow.