Lately I've been feeling down, because of several things that happened, and today I'm horribly upset.
A few of them are non-personal ones. There's been a revolution in Ukraine, whilst nothing happens in VN. Neither karma nor fate has anything to do with it, nothing happens in VN because people don't stand up, because instead of fighting the communists, overthrowing the regime, contributing to the democratisation process, the so-called pro-democracy activists and bloggers choose to fight each other instead, call each other names, throw allegations and accusations at each other, spread rumours, divide each other into groups, refuse to cooperate. Each time a person A looks at a person B, instead of seeing an individual, or a person who also wishes for a democratic VN, all A sees is which groups B belongs: Northerner or Southerner; born before or after 1975; a party member or independent; a communist who wants change or a non-communist; VT member or not; red flag or yellow flag; in VN or outside VN... Then after these superficialities are the deeper disagreements, from disagreements over method, whether to attack, to be aggressive, to yell and swear, to treat the cops the same way they have treated civilians, or to remain calm, to be open-minded and tolerant, to behave like intellectuals, to treat others with respect and understanding, to use arguments and have polite manners in discussions; to disagreements over the end results, whether to focus on inciting riots and making people rise up or to focus on changing people's mindsets, creating a more democratic, liberal people, whether to keep the communist party and hope that change will come from within itself (as in Russia) or to overthrow the whole regime and start from pieces, etc. People, including those who talk about respect, understanding and tolerance, are unable to stand next to each other and shake hands and cooperate.
Whilst pro-democracy people should see themselves as in the same boat, they refuse to support, somebody because he used to be a communist, somebody because he's a Northerner, somebody because he's VT, somebody because he's VNCH, somebody because he uses the red flag, etc.
Worse than that, not only do they distrust each other, but they also spread rumours and accuse other people of being cops disguised as activists.
So nothing happens.
Of course, none of the above is new. It has been like this since 1975, and will continue to be so long after VN has had a new political system. But to know about some distant fighting and to witness one are 2 different things, especially when it happens to the people I know, and especially when I'm somehow involved in it.
Then there are also personal things. It's never pleasant to discover that one has been lied to and taken advantage of. I've never been a trustful person, in fact after my experiences in VN I had trust issues for a long time and only in Norway restored some of my ability to trust others. It doesn't mean that I trust everybody now, but sometimes, I put my faith in people who I believe shouldn't be untruthful to me, as I hate dishonesty and hypocrisy more than anything, and they disappoint. The worst part, the most unbearable part, is that whilst lying, 1 person even asked why he should lie to me, and another time, I defended a person who was accused of deceit, only to find out later that it's true. In the end I look at all the people who are left, and wonder which one(s) of them will disappoint me 1 day.
And there's more. 1 thing involves a guy, and dishonesty, which does upset, though I can see the matter from his point of view and understand his thinking. Another thing involves waiting, oh how waiting wears one out.
Bad things rarely come singly.
[And it's unbearable, I can't even turn it into fiction].