I notice that for a while now, most of my blog posts are either about cinema or about my sickness and/ or depression. People don't visit my blog any longer. My friends don't. My uncle doesn't. I feel a bit like Linton Heathcliff.
But what is one to do?
I deactivated my fb again yesterday after realising I was a bit out of place. People on my fb were discussing politics, democracy, human rights, reconciliation, constitutional changes, etc. And I dwelt on my flu and my Daniel mania, things that people apparently considered superficial, useless, unimportant, frivolous. Not that I really care what people think. Or do I? The point is, I felt a bit out of place. My newsfeed was full of posts about "hòa hợp hòa giải" and "Nguyễn Đắc Kiên" and other political things and I never commented on them, as though I were closing my eyes and covering my ears, becoming the kind of apathetic, frivolous, oblivious people I had once attacked.
So now on my blog I have nothing to write about but my sickness and/ or depression and my love for cinema (and sometimes, literature). Childish and egoistic as it sounds, I find it difficult to be concerned about anything else. It's been more than a week since we moved and we haven't finished unpacking all the boxes, assembling furniture pieces and putting each thing in the right place. The apartment is a mess. Though I no longer feel nauseous or cough a lot, I haven't regained appetite and recovered from my illness yet, and all the time, feel fatigued and sleepy as though having thalassaemia (though the blood test has shown that I don't have it). Above all, it's depression, which gets worse and worse over time, but I can't talk to anybody, and can't write specifically about it. It just adds up over time, gets stronger and stronger and stronger and sometimes chokes me.
I don't know what I'm alive for.
At times like this, talking and reading about cinema, especially Daniel and Vivien, is my solution, my therapy, my way of coping with it. I'm an escapist.
Gosh, I'm such a horribly self-centred person.