Wednesday, 14 November 2012
14/11/2012- 2 B Gtd Stein
anger burns. it burns me and burns you and burns her. burns all of us together. burns the whole place. burns everything burns our past burns our future. all things fall apart and return to dust, nothing remains and the future will be a nothing. perhaps you don't see it perhaps she doesn't see it perhaps other people say they notice nothing but it has been here all along within us all of us each of us. it has been here all the time since a long time ago that i don't even remember when, and whatever the case however long it is it has been here for a long time and we all are full of hate. i hate you and you hate her and she hates me and i hate her and she hates you and you hate me and we hate each other and we hate all others and we hate ourselves. we hate everything that exists and everything that once existed and disappeared and maybe even the things that have yet to exist. for us everything is a mess and life is messy and we all are messed up. perhaps we hate because everything in life is a mess a big mess, but maybe we hate because the mess is within us and we too have become a mess and we each is a mess in a pool of messes. i guess others think my writing is so messy and these sentences are so messy they don't know what i'm talking about and what i want to say since these sentences roll together into a huge mess and i go around and around and around like a lunatic. i don't even capitalise and i don't seem keen on punctuating. so i go around and around and people don't know what i'm saying because perhaps when people think they can never know what i'm saying they don't bother to know what i'm trying to say anyway and they give up and just go away and put the blame on me. but what can i do what can i do. my mind is a bit messed up i guess i think people are right i can't deny. but at times like this i have a crisis and i can't articulate. anger burns. it burns me and burns you and burns her and burns them and burns everybody. all these negative emotions have stood together and accumulated and become a big mountain of hatred and indignation and anytime i can just explode. i'm a time bomb, you know. i just am. so please stay away because i'm a time bomb and you know i can explode any time and kill anybody and more dangerously there's no way you can unplug me and when i explode some people will be hurt and you should stay away to protect yourself. it's okay if you run away since people do that all the time and it no longer makes any difference to me. do you know last night i had some bad dreams? i did. 1 of them was very violent and it scared me and still haunts me. i awoke right afterwards and unlike the movies i didn't get up or gasp or sweat but i was scared nevertheless and i have been thinking about it ever since. i know people dream every night and i guess i do too but most of my dreams go away the moment i get up. but even though i forget most of my dreams sometimes i can remember, perhaps when i suddenly wake up. and most of the dreams i remember are very violent. maybe i'm violent by nature maybe violence is in my core. or maybe i'm just emotional and very unstable but somehow i'm afraid at some point i will explode too and do something destructive or self-destructive just because of all the things accumulated within me over time after all the things i experienced and went through. i'm self-contradicting i contain multitudes i am different people. it scares me it terrifies horrifies petrifies mortifies me. please save me save me save me save me.