Friday, 31 August 2012

i think i'm going insane

i think i'm going insane. i'm afraid at times i'm not right in the head. last week as i was being suicidal, when suddenly things fell apart and i crumbled, i got on a metro with swollen eyes and aching head, when things blurred and my ears caught no sound, i sat down on the seat and started reading my book. 2, 3 stops and there came a woman, the woman sat down diagonally across from me. light-coloured eyes and very pale skin, white blond hair, cosmic cobalt dress and white tights. and she started making herself up. i know no law's against it in public, and no one seemed bothered. except me. the woman started applying cream on her pale face. and she made faces, faces, as she turned her head slightly to the left to the right. you know, the faces a woman makes as she wears cosmetics? that's what i'm talking about. she made faces, faces, as she applied cream on her face. so at the beginning she looked a bit funny as her head slightly turned left and right in front of the little mirror in her hand, but after a while it got on my nerves and i asked myself why she hadn't finished. her hand kept moving and her head kept turning i couldn't focus i couldn't read. i tried to fix my gaze on the book but her movements kept breaking my attention. the woman next to her didn't care and other people didn't look. i tried to read but my concentration was lost. my head still ached, i yawned in exhaustion and sleepiness, the woman got on my nerves. like her movements worsened the pain. like her movements made me dizzy. 10 or 15 minutes passed i wondered why she still hadn't got it done. i thought i wanted to get something out of my backpack and hit her with it, hit her and hit her and beat her to death. and just when i was about to go mad she got off. 
finally i could breathe. 
i breathed. 
as though sometimes for no reason i'm on the verge of violence. 
and yesterday again i got on a metro and was irritated by a girl sitting opposite me. i had no headache i had no pain i had nothing to blame. curly brown hair, fair skin, black eyebrows and brown eyes, with a little mouth. when i sat down she'd already been there and when i got off she was still there. 30 minutes, the whole time i couldn't read my book, for every 3 minutes she turned on her phone and used it as a mirror, looked at herself, then stroked her eyebrows or fixed her hair or just touched her face for no reason. every 3 minutes. i swear the whole time i was sitting there she did it at least 10 times. more i think. more. afterwards she turned off her phone and put it down, then she looked dreamily outside, her lips pouting. from time to time she moved her tongue around in the little mouth, letting it touch the inside of her cheeks. dreamily as though hypnotised. 3 minutes later she again turned on the phone and looked at herself and again fixed her hair or touched her face gently. and put the phone down. and 3 minutes later she turned on the phone and used it as a mirror and fixed her hair. and so on and so on and so on. the whole time sitting opposite me. mechanically as though hypnotised. i think i'm going insane. 
in the end as i got off i turned around. 
she wasn't behind me. 
she didn't get off. 
i heaved a sigh of relief. 
finally i could breathe. 
i breathed. 
i think i'm going insane. sometimes i'm not right in the head. 

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