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Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Up up down down

I don't know what the matter is. 
Maybe it's me. I'm too demanding. I'm too analytical- paying attention to every little thing, attempting to analyse and decode every single trivial detail. I'm too moody and unstable- my mood goes up and down all the time. Maybe I overthink, maybe I have overly, unnecessarily strong emotions- when excited I'm hyper-excited, when sad I'm immensely sad.
In my head, I can picture it right here: when there's a guy who really loves me and cares about me and, in spite of my flaws, wishes to spend the rest of his life with me, 1 day, at a certain point he can no longer bear it- my biggest flaw- my issue with trust, my inability to believe. I, out of the blue, think of a girl in "Mr Nobody". Her name has flipped out of my mind. A girl who constantly suffers from her own unstable mood, disbelief and depression. I am more calm and organised, I don't mess up my life the way she does, but, similar to her I'm also full of distrust and fear. I don't constantly scream and burst into tears, but if there's a guy who loves me without saying it, I'm afraid that my own fear always acts as an obstacle, I can never fully trust him, I'm afraid when seeing him with other girls (my mom says jealousy is due to lack of self-confidence), I pay attention to every single thing he does just to decode their meanings, I might sulk and make him feel guilty all the time or I might apologise all the time, etc. And will it change anything at all if he says it? Hard to say. I'm afraid not.
Horrible, horrible. 
I'm a horrible, horrible person. An unbearable, intolerable person.
And if I don't bother him with my questions and demands and all other things, I might endure it myself, and, if extreme, might even become self-destructive. 







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I don't know how I should feel now. 
I don't know.
I don't know. 









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But I remember feeling happy this afternoon. During and after the call. 

7 comments:

  1. I don't know how you and I end up being so similar in the way which we view certain things, especially this fear. However, I have already gain a little control over my mood, and it's quite stable now.
    There was a time, I thought we were different in everything, no common things between us. Now it's amazing to know that we have so much in mutual. That's good, I think :D

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  2. Just patiently wait and eventually you will find Mr. Right who would truly love you for who you are.

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  3. If we're (she and I) same, then I think the problem with us is: we're scared that Mr.Rights would be so tired of our characteristics, and run away.

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  4. Then, following logic, he's not Mr Right :D

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  5. So there is Mr.Right who can stand my characteristics? Wish there is :D

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    1. Well, Sami wrote "Just patiently wait and eventually you will find Mr. Right who would truly love you for who you are."
      For who you are.

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    2. It seems hard for me :)) I believe there's someone who can stand my characteristics, but don't think there's someone who can stand that in repetition, it's like I know it's confused, I try not to do again, but it only lasts for a while, and then, I cannot stop myself falling back to that old trap...

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