Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Up up down down

I don't know what the matter is. 
Maybe it's me. I'm too demanding. I'm too analytical- paying attention to every little thing, attempting to analyse and decode every single trivial detail. I'm too moody and unstable- my mood goes up and down all the time. Maybe I overthink, maybe I have overly, unnecessarily strong emotions- when excited I'm hyper-excited, when sad I'm immensely sad.
In my head, I can picture it right here: when there's a guy who really loves me and cares about me and, in spite of my flaws, wishes to spend the rest of his life with me, 1 day, at a certain point he can no longer bear it- my biggest flaw- my issue with trust, my inability to believe. I, out of the blue, think of a girl in "Mr Nobody". Her name has flipped out of my mind. A girl who constantly suffers from her own unstable mood, disbelief and depression. I am more calm and organised, I don't mess up my life the way she does, but, similar to her I'm also full of distrust and fear. I don't constantly scream and burst into tears, but if there's a guy who loves me without saying it, I'm afraid that my own fear always acts as an obstacle, I can never fully trust him, I'm afraid when seeing him with other girls (my mom says jealousy is due to lack of self-confidence), I pay attention to every single thing he does just to decode their meanings, I might sulk and make him feel guilty all the time or I might apologise all the time, etc. And will it change anything at all if he says it? Hard to say. I'm afraid not.
Horrible, horrible. 
I'm a horrible, horrible person. An unbearable, intolerable person.
And if I don't bother him with my questions and demands and all other things, I might endure it myself, and, if extreme, might even become self-destructive. 


I don't know how I should feel now. 
I don't know.
I don't know. 


But I remember feeling happy this afternoon. During and after the call. 


  1. I don't know how you and I end up being so similar in the way which we view certain things, especially this fear. However, I have already gain a little control over my mood, and it's quite stable now.
    There was a time, I thought we were different in everything, no common things between us. Now it's amazing to know that we have so much in mutual. That's good, I think :D

  2. Just patiently wait and eventually you will find Mr. Right who would truly love you for who you are.

  3. If we're (she and I) same, then I think the problem with us is: we're scared that Mr.Rights would be so tired of our characteristics, and run away.

  4. Then, following logic, he's not Mr Right :D

  5. So there is Mr.Right who can stand my characteristics? Wish there is :D

    1. Well, Sami wrote "Just patiently wait and eventually you will find Mr. Right who would truly love you for who you are."
      For who you are.

    2. It seems hard for me :)) I believe there's someone who can stand my characteristics, but don't think there's someone who can stand that in repetition, it's like I know it's confused, I try not to do again, but it only lasts for a while, and then, I cannot stop myself falling back to that old trap...